I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
