There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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