break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
