I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
