I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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