Banned from zoo.
Again?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
