After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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