p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I wish you could order shots online.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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