Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize