she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
he shaved USA in his pubs
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
