some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
