I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
