And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I deserve to be covered in dicks
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
