I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
