I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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