So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
It's blow job season.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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