I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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