apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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