My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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