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You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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