I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
