I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
