his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
