Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
