You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
