If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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