Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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