He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
