That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Fuck appropriateness.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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