you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
