I smell stomach acid.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
