Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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