hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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