My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
