drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
