can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
