My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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