I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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