My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
