You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
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Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
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You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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