Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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