My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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