i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
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wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
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