The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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