Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
