I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
