Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
