remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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