Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
