at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
