i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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