we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
