if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
