I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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