Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
