her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
