Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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