paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
your like the ambassador to my penis.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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