Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
